Strange Patty in a Strange Land

A late entry I know, but as the regular reader of this news magazine would be familiar with, it’s content over timing. Upon re-entry to my native land, I have visited many spots and sampled many food items, but only few of which are worthy of mention here (doggs, slices and American lager amid a lack of surf has not been good for my version of the trim and tuck Tasty Burger crew bod). However, I did recently sample a burger not-of-the-usual meat variety.

A drive through the magical North Cascades mountain range procured lots of wonderful things, including a stop off at an old-timer dinner. I walked in not expecting much for a trucker type roadhouse, but I was instantly greeting by the friendliest of country types. Upon learnin’ of my yearnin’ for a burger, I was quickly seated and given a list containing an unusual variety.

There were at least four meats on hand beyond the standard beef including emu, elk, venison and buffalo. Given my proximity to a certain onlooker, I opted for the largest among the menagerie and tucked in. As many omnivores would know, buffalo or bison meat is advertised as more lean, yet not lacking in full flavor for those craving the more traditional bovine tang. This patty did not disappoint – grilled on a flame but not overdone and still juicy. Complimentary fillings were crisp and fresh of the salad variety and sauce was brought to the table for the diner’s choice of quantity and drip factor (a typical practice in non-fast-food US eateries). Although the bun was below par (a slim yellowish bread product) the buffalo burger was indeed tasty, with the alternative meat highly recommended, even for the non-adventurous.

In an update of the surfing injury I sustained in my final days down under, I have yet to regain feeling in the knuckles of my index and middle fingers on my left hand – 2 inches above the spot where Dubs decided to use his board as a human dicing devise. I continue to view this development of a further progression of my super-hero transformation and will shop accordingly. I’ll test my new powers of senselessness on Dub’s face once my surfing nemesis appears before me again…

No sauce please

No bacon, no beetroot, just the burger in a bun with cheese. And the lettuce and tomato on the side…and no sauce – I prefer to add that myself.

Because burger customisation is a modern consumer’s prerogative. Gone are the days when I would have to wait 20 minutes holding up the well established production line for someone to pluck every pickle slice and dust off the mustard from my Big Mac, nowadays a ‘plain cheeseburger’ is a perfectly acceptable variation. And with such a wide range of options it makes sense that flexibility should be an important ingredient in the recipe for tasty burger success.

So it was with great assurance and furious hunger that I set about ordering my latest burger. Emotions in this particular situation are exacerbated by the heightened sense of anticipation as I watch my companions receiving mouth-watering feasts all around me while I wait patiently in appreciation of the extra time and effort being invested in my minimalist meal. Finally, just when I’m beginning to fear that my stomach rumblings are audible over the DJ’s sound system, mouth watering with a hunger preserved since lunchtime, it appears, plate bursting with sustenance, a veritable dream-burger…Play it cool, marvel at the creativity of the square bun, slowly munch a chip or two (too much salt, but that doesn’t matter), and then one big happy bite…

…And that turned out to be the only bite I could take. I could almost feel my digestive juices sighing and trudging back to their hidi-holes as the rapture became repulsion.

The dimmed lighting and fancy presentation (the square bun not so clever now) couldn’t distract from the glaring molecules of blood-infused pinkness staring up at me from the meat patty.

In adapting the prescribed burger on the menu in suede bar (http://www.suedebar.com) to my own peculiar tastes I must’ve upset the chef… with all my individual specifications I never thought I would need to state a requirement for the burger to be actually cooked!

The surrounding empty plates suggested that others’ burger-eating experiences hadn’t been quite so traumatic (and provided a useful outlet for redistribution of my inedible leftovers (didn’t want this crazy chef to think that I hadn’t enjoyed his effort!)).

And although the taste could be washed away by the remedial qualities of Corona, the psychological scars remain. It’ll be at least a week of chicken nuggets and cheese toasties before I’m back on the burger wagon…

Burger Edge St Kilda Rd

Some of you will be surprised to hear of me even walking into a burger edge after my brush with death a year ago. But its a desparate state of affairs in St Kilda Rd. Burger Edge opened yesterday and they have an opening special of $5 burgers.

Some of you may also recall my pledge to blog vege burgers from now on so you are probably wondering why I am about to blog the slab-of-dead-cow steak burger. I ordered the "pulse" burger and 15 minutes later picked up an "okker" burger: perhaps there was someone else in the queue called Matt. I walked 200 metres back to my office so buggered if I was going to go back, and anyway why don't they just tell you the freaking order number? Let's call it first week teething problems.

The best thing about the 15 minute wait was finding two disc players working in the office across the road, so lunchtime disc is "on" for summer.

The funniest thing about the wait was the huge poster with angry looking people saying "the taste is worth the wait". Which could be true if you are into surprises.

The steak to be honest was a bit gristly, turkish bun was nice, tomatoes ok, aioli ok, chips fantastic. I will score it a Not tasty (yet anyway): they may get things sorted out but have a way to go.

STZ

Serendipity

Today's burger experience comes together almost too nicely (at least initially). I was really tired of the week and happy it was friday, then for lunch we go to a place called Thank God it's Friday! wow! how amazing is that?! ok not so amazing, but i figure if I can find a place called Fucking Hell it's Monday then i have got the week nicely bookended.

So anyway I order the World Famous Mushroom Onion Swiss [cheese] Burger which arrives in a big tower that requires a toothpick to hold its lid on. For you $14 you get tinned mushrooms, *raw* onion rings and a grey meat pattie. Some might blame the lunchtime conversation about vernix (one guy just had a kid), but i blame the offensive burger, definately not tasty! Thank God I'm not going there again........

Lockie

PS someone else please go surfing this weekend while i'm away and write magical stories about endless clean face and before you knew it you'd surfed all the way to Sydney, i'll meet you at Bondi